Saturday, May 17, 2003


i've come to the realization that these last 3 years i've been trying to live down my first 2 years of high school. i was an asshole. i was an over zealous narrow minded dickhead who thought he was above everyone else. i find that attitude creeping into my mental lexicon even today and it makes me wanna throw up profusuly into a swimming pool full of frat boys.

my miserable attitude back then was not the miserable attitude i have now, it was more based on arrogance and beating my own chest in the name of all things "metal", where as now it's more of a cacoon of self loathing, mostly because i don't feel like projecting my shit onto others, which is what i did back than. i think it has done ireversable damage to many personal relationships that could have flourished if given enough of a chance. but because of my fixation on the trivial and the materialistic, i allienated the right kinds of people and drew in the wrong kinds of people.

a few good things came out of it, perhaps by fate(which is really just another word for accident), maybe more things than i realise. maybe they're subconsious and/or unataniable, maybe they're just waiting to make themselves known. maybe i'm just desperatly hoping for an answer to all of this garbage i have surrounded myself with.

or maybe i just need to "lighten up".

NP:Eyehategod-White Nigger(there....i said it.)


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