Saturday, May 17, 2003


i've come to the realization that these last 3 years i've been trying to live down my first 2 years of high school. i was an asshole. i was an over zealous narrow minded dickhead who thought he was above everyone else. i find that attitude creeping into my mental lexicon even today and it makes me wanna throw up profusuly into a swimming pool full of frat boys.

my miserable attitude back then was not the miserable attitude i have now, it was more based on arrogance and beating my own chest in the name of all things "metal", where as now it's more of a cacoon of self loathing, mostly because i don't feel like projecting my shit onto others, which is what i did back than. i think it has done ireversable damage to many personal relationships that could have flourished if given enough of a chance. but because of my fixation on the trivial and the materialistic, i allienated the right kinds of people and drew in the wrong kinds of people.

a few good things came out of it, perhaps by fate(which is really just another word for accident), maybe more things than i realise. maybe they're subconsious and/or unataniable, maybe they're just waiting to make themselves known. maybe i'm just desperatly hoping for an answer to all of this garbage i have surrounded myself with.

or maybe i just need to "lighten up".

NP:Eyehategod-White Nigger(there....i said it.)

siht tsop si drawkcab. ti sesacwohs ym ereves moderob. i dehtcaw Niwt Skaep Erif Klaw Htiw Em dna staht erehw eht aedi detanigiro. siht si gnikat a laer gnol emit, os i llahs tixe eseht sgnidnuorus. eyb eyb.
time is damaged. waking up is like felatio with a mouthfull of broken glass. stains became a fortress and solitude a decieving veil. every day more sludge is peeled back to let the sun incinerate the worms. Each minute more convoluted than the last. each kiss burns more than the last. doctors forming cartells to apease your problems. easier than suicide, but not as grand.

Wednesday, May 14, 2003


Tuesday, May 13, 2003

i took your advice and i built a wall.

Monday, May 12, 2003

sorry if i brought anyone down, or gave anyone the wrong impression about me.

to the few people in my personal life that matter, none of this is directed at you. most of it is directed at myself more than anything, but i don't know why i feel like i have to apologise, but something is telling me that i must. i think it's paranoia. maybe it's last functional braincell. neither one is an excuse, so i'm sorry.

SUPER HAPPY FUN TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tra la la la la la la la i'm am not such a bad guy am i? no, of course not!!!

i like to laugh and play with bunny rabbits and listen to The Flaming Lips. would a sad man do such a thing????


No of course he wouldn't!

i hope i warmed your heart and gave you happy thoughts. tweedle dee.

Sunday, May 11, 2003

why do i bother?

this is dumb. very dumb. Zakk Wylde dumb.

i make less and less sense with each passing day. i was feeling pretty good about myself for a while there, now i'm right back where i was a few months ago.

this is pathetic, isn't it? a live journal. fuck i never thought i'd be one of these kinds of people.

i used to bullshit in the Forcebled guest book, but that's no more. i used to bitch on Idiot Parade but they banned me AGAIN. so now all i have is this. and it makes me sick. i can feel the vomit rising up my throat as i type.

people get tired of me. i wish i was them sometimes. i wish i had the luxury of just ignoring these ramblings like they all do, but i don't. i'm stuck here. most of the people i cared about consider me a downer, i know i sure do. i envy all of you. you can just turn off your computer. you only have to read this. i have to live it. be glad this is your entertainment, cause it's my life. you can talk to me, get bored, and go away. i have to listen to myself and look at myself no matter what. you think you're bored with my bullshit?? HA. think about how i feel.

have fun you....gah, finish my sentence for me.