Friday, December 26, 2003

NP:Slayer-Divine Intervention

i think i'm just about finished with playing in "metal" bands.

i still want to play heavy, violent, noisy, fucked up music, but people don't seem to realize that there are bands out there that are absolutely heavy/nihilistic/pissed/ etc. that aren't metal.

people automatically associate "heavy" with "metal" and it's really starting to bug me. it's not that i've "outgrown" metal music. i mean i'm listening to Slayer right now. i still love a lot of metal bands, but i love them because they are good bands, not because they are metal bands.

i don't have much in common with the metal scene anymore. i don't think i ever did to begin with. i've grown exhausted with trying to get people into this music to have a more open minded outlook on music, but it's an uphill battle with a 2 ton steel covered boulder strapped around your neck with an industrial strength chain. i'd rather be in a band that rips off His Hero is Gone or Melvins than be in yet another "technical metal" band that goes absolutley nowhere.

and let me say, the 2 metal bands i've been in, it's always the guitarists who flakes out and ruins everything. it amazes me how people who listen to and play such an agressive form of music can be such fragile creatures who wilt like flowers in the rain if they're faced with any sort of difficulty. if things don't happen to them, they give up. they're so complex. they're so deep.

that is shit.

they're shallow basket cases who use their "emotional problems" as an excuse to do nothing to better their situation. this can be said about a lot of people i know. instead of doing something they care about and actually working for it, they crawl into a fetal position and cry until everyone leaves them alone, so they can be slaves in peace, without anyone pushing them to actually do something with their miserable life. they'll still be miserable, but they'll be secure. a baby with it's favorite blanket is still a baby. and that's all you'll ever be. a pathetic cry baby. the lowest rung on the food chain of human defects.

M. Sereno and Edee, thank you for ruining metal for me forever.

Fuck you, Fuck your fucking 5 string guitars, and Fuck Children of Bodom.

you'll never write riffs as awesome as Slayer and you'll never be anything more than a deer in the headlights. i just hope i'm behind the steering wheel.

NP:Slayer-Bitter Peace.

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

the new goal/the next disaster;


if it happens, here's hoping that the third time is a charm.

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

NP:Swans-Red Velvet Corridor

well here i go again.

looks like life has served up another open face shit sandwitch, and my name is on the bill.

i guess it was silly of of me to think that things might actually work out for the better. they never do. i don't know if it's me, or this town, or this generation, or just the sorry state of the world in general, but i can't seem to find something that sticks.

Bliss is a Killer.

everytime i get excited, i start looking forward to new days, something comes along to fuck me in the ass and say "GOTCHA ya fucking idiot". here i am at age 20. i'm going to be 21 in 3 weeks. no girlfreind. no job. no band. no freinds. no life.

just music, movies, and books. Zoloft without the cuddly cartoon characters. the one girl that i love more than any one should love anyone doesn't want a god damn thing to do with me. i have more music knowledge and more desire than almost everyone else who is in a band right now in this shitty area and it's going to waste. i have a spiral notebook filled with lyrics that will rot away until i'm found dead in a bathtub at age 30, then they will be published and people who didn't give a shit about me in life will leech off me in death. i'll be another dead gothic icon. and that thought is so depressing that it makes me laugh, hard.

i wonder, why don't i just give up? become apathetic, listen to Coldplay, get a shitty job, go to crappy parties, smoke myself retarded and drink myself into rigor mortis. everyone else seems perfectly happy as a zombie racing to their grave, maybe that's the only way to be happy. be oblivious and anonymous. why bother trying? why torment myself for the sake of art, literature, and music?


because they're the only things in my life that haven't fucked me over. every freind i've ever had has cast me aside and forgotten about me. every girl i've ever loved thinks little to nothing of me and continue to subject themselves to one miserable relationship after another rather then be with me, because i'm not good enough for them to destroy.

my cds, my books, my DVDs/videos are always there, suppling me with a nessecery, albiet brief, catharsis. i can't talk to anyone. i can't fuck anyone. alls i got is Pig Destroyer, Taxi Driver, and Chuck Palahniuk.

and of course the ocassional porno.

PANZRAM: October 2003-December 2003.

another dead dream.

NP:Swans-Helpless Child

Monday, December 22, 2003

the internet adds about 50% more assholocity to the average dickhead.