Sunday, December 05, 2004

i've come to the conclusion that i'm a very self absorbed writer. the dark horse in a garden of lilies.

i often write from myself and for myself. i could'nt care less if people can relate to what i'm saying, or if what i write doesn't comfort or console or point someone down a path of light and beauty. maybe that's a mean spirited view of things, but i have to be honest in saying that if my writing makes someone feel confused or disgusted or whatever, that the little nihilistic pervert inside me can't help but crack an evil smile.

i'm often confused and repulsed by the things i see in people and society, and they have yet to offer me a proper explanation, something that can tie everything together in a neat little package that i can cuddle up with and rest easy along side of, so i give them back something equally (or i guess in this case more) dissorienting.

i post my stuff here and in other places because i'm proud of it, not because i wanted to make people feel good about themselves. maybe i'm holding up a picture to gross for you too look at, or maybe i'm holding up a mirror you wish didn't reflect.
yeah, i'm flattering myself. so what? we're all self absorbed lunatics after all. introverted drama majors.

it's a destructive and lonely way to see things i know, but someone has to do it. not everyone can write idealist hippie free love manifestos about the beauty of the sun and the trees and the skies and the bunnies. not everyone can write melodramatic love letters or beautius odes to week old relationships.

just be thankful that you were born with rose colored lenses and not vomit soaked shades.


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