Tuesday, January 25, 2005

it always looks like night in this room.

i've been thinking about love again. my abilty to love someone so much that mainling my blood into an ice cap would flood the earth, and my inabilty to tell that someone the depth of my love, the quanity of it without completely alienating that indivitual or setting myself up for a devestating crash into depression's tarpit of humilation.

i've grown tired of waiting, but my number one fear is that i'll never meet someone, and i'll go running back to old sources of emotional discomfort, if only for their familiarity. those old ghosts, thinning sheets revealing more of their acid drenched skeletons, still leech off what little appeal i have for them, and i worry that they'll disarm me with celestial hallucinegents and angelic carcingents. they sneek in like illegal aliens at the border whenever i hear a sadly beautiful song underscoring a warm, cinematic embrace. i fight back with literary disecting tools, gutting them until i hit that evil spot, that ugliness that reminds me why i cast off these monsters.

lately it hasn't been enough, and i'm starting to be enveloped by fireballs and ice cubes. one extreme or the other, no comfort zone or middle ground.

tomorrow i start my second semester at Hofstra. that should take my mind off this idiocy...until the end of May, that is.

MAIL-SCORE:

Oxbow - Let Me Be a Woman, Fuckfest/King of the Jews double cd
Unruh - Setting Fire to Sinking Ships
Exit 13 - Ethos Musik
Lydia Lunch - Honeymoon in Red
Watchmaker - Kill. Crush. Destroy.

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