Saturday, February 26, 2005

NP:Slint-Breadcrumb Trail

now i remember why i don't like to tell anyone anything or do anything with anyone.

i try to be social, but people seem to just be waiting for me to leave, so their fun can begin. i know that i do this to myself. i go out of my way to alienate myself from everyone. i either say nothing, save for a few one word mumbles and mild facial contortion, or i'm just a morbid clown jacking off in the middle of a tombstone circus, ejaculating cryptic one liners, cynical prose, and half ass impressions of all diferent species of asshole. i can't even tell when i'm joking around or pissed off or depressed anymore. it's all been blended into one monotone pretensious ramble with nothing to back it up.

i'd like to believe that i'm a nihilist or a misanthrope, which i guess i am, or maybe those are just easy answers (no shortage of those in the label-centric culture we hop-scotch through everyday). there's more to life than that i'm sure. there's got to be more options. it can't just be a choice between a turd sandwitch and a shit burger.

maybe i've supressed the love for too long. many people supress their hatred and that can lead to bad things, but what if love is supressed? what if love is denied in favor of the acids and venoms that i've bathed myself in for the last 6 years? well then you get this; lots of words, noise, and feeling that just reflect the ugly disturbing thoughts and nothing to remind you that there is love out there and in here, and it's just as powerful, destructive, and theraputic as the hatred.

i need to find a balance or i'm fucked for life.



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