Sunday, August 28, 2005

live from the intelectual mine-field;


MTV: Hedonism, Materialism, and Stupidity....with a beat!

right now it's the pre-show.

Ricky Martin is talking to John Norris, who apprently is dressed up as a bleached raped asshole. Kurt Scroder is speaking with the Killers. the singer looks like what Erasure covering ABBA sounds like. Green Day has already won 3 awards. Gwen Stefani has already won 2. Green Day won for the song about walking alone the lonely road where they walk alone along the lonely road, which leads right to the Cellphone company, where they have sold most of the songs on the new album to comercials for said cellphones. Gwen Stefani got the awards for the song that sound like retards cumming. which song is that? ALL OF THEM.

now it's a commerical break for the next 4-6 minutes.

and we're the pre-show. this VJ looks like a Narc. Riana(?) is playing now. it looks like a hyper-sexual 8th grade variety show performance. she wants the DJ to turn it up. a few seconds go by, and she still wants the Mr. DJ to turn it up, asking if he can hear her. well, if he's having trouble hearing you, wouldn't you want him to turn it down? Jessica Alba is talking to Norris the Bleached Asshole. jesus christ, Mariah Carrey is still making music? good lord. oh good, the Moron twins have arrived (the Hilton sisters). oh good, one of them is recording an album. the producer says "Paris gives me a lot to work with". heh heh. Lil' Kim really is tiny. imagine that, she actually looks clean. not too shabby. my cock would only need 2 or 3 layers of seran wrap now.

now it's a commercial break for the next 12-18 minutes.

back. does Snoop Dogg do anything? i mean, i know he used to do music, but what does he do now? someone else who is famous for spending money and fucking. and here is Ms. Stefani. recording an album is not "an amazing ride". she's doing a fashion show, which is funny cause she doesn't look like she can dress herself. and N.T.B.A is talking with the amazing Ashley Simpson, the one in the family who is untalented AND unnatractive. i thought we excomunicated this dopey broad after it was revealed she was a total phony? i mean we couldn't wait to stone Milli Vanilli back to the stone age, but i guess they weren't cutesy poo teenage girls, so we'll cut the bitch a break. the Narc is talking to Loo-Duh Criss, who takes over for Snoop Dogg in the "LOOK AT THIS CAR IN YOUR FACE WHITE AMERICA" spot of the show. Fallout Boy is next, and i hope ze goggles do nah-thing.

now it's a commercial break for the next 26-34 minutes.

back. Kurt Scrote-Poker is with Jay-Z. i still have no idea who Kayne West is. the Bleached Asshole speaks with Jamie Fox, who takes over for Looduh in the L.A.T.C.I.Y.F.W.A. category. oh good, he's recording an album. we liked Ray, but let's not get ahead of ourselves, sir. the Music Industry is fighting AIDs. i hope AIDs wins. Kirsten Dunce is w/ Orlando Bloom. who would you rather fuck? i'm not so sure.

now it's a commercial break for the next 42-57 minutes.

back. Green Day gets ANOTHER award. because no one else put out an album this year. oh good, Fallout Boy is getting their own little segment. "Punk Underground". the sad thing is they aren't that off in that remark, the underground is full of this crap. and now they're going to play. this does keep with the motiff of a middle school talent show. what's with these bands dressing "naughty prep school"? christ, a couple of jizz-rods read Catcher in the Rye and watch the Dead Poets Society and we must suffer through theur asshole-version of punk for years to come. 50 Cent is what would happen if Mike Tyson gave up trying to use and understand big words. sweet fancy moses, Mas has returned. "the Video Awards are YOUR video awards"? excuse me, but my video awards would have given Johnny Cash his due, you douchebags. Destiny's Child's "final" apperance together. those of you who didn't see the break-up coming, and who think these ladies don't hate each other, i'd like you to wear aluminum foil so i know who you are. god damn this is the longest pre-show ever. cars cars cars. the actual show is getting going now.


and right away, here is the evidently the last band on the planet, Green Day. first they write a masturbation song, then a prom song, now a sucide song, these bastards won't be happy until they control every mood of every teenager in the world. PYRO. Beavis and Butthead? holy shit, Puff Daddy is the host? couldn't find someone less entertaining? was Jamariqui busy? so, is he performing? talking? i never could tell. this is like a Vegas magic show without the subtlty and quiet dignity. this is more than a little obnoxious. Nelly and Lindsey Lohan, looking and sounding more and more like a junkie with every passing day. "best male and female video"? they've just merged it all into one thing? the Beck song is the only one that doesn't remotley repulse me. Kelly Clarkson and Kayne West are the BEST PEOPLE ON EARTH. in your face, U.S. Troops! Snoop Dogg looks how i feel. i still don't know who Kayne West is. hey it's Butthead! and Beavis! "We're Better Than Green Day." you betcha.

and now a commercial break for the next 59-64 minutes.

we're back. Missy Elliot with some girl named after a soft drink. Looduh and some other guy are going to "pimp all over the world". you know, it was nice when rappers actually wrote lyrics instead of just shouting stuff you could find scribbled onto a men's room stall in any gas station bathroom in America. is this a song? here PuffStuff. "class and sophistication?" oh he's being ironic. funny. *cough*. "you ready to start the show"? it's been on for almost a half an hour, ass magnet. oh good, Fashion. it's such a breath of fresh air to hear talk of FASHION on the Video Music Awards of all places. they never speak of fashion, usually it's about the music. and here are the Wonder Twins minus the Wonder, Kirsten Dunce and Orlando Bloom to give out best rock video. Weezer. talk about a band that had it and lost it. they didn't just lose it, they ran from it like they were afraid of getting it pregnant. My Chemical Romance is one of the best rock artists of the year? really? and the Omega Men of rock have done it again. that's right, Green Day. they got it. punk rock.

and now a commerical break for the next 70-84 minutes.

and we're back. ahhh still exploiting Notorious B.I.G. after all these years. good ol' Puffy. and now a staged impromptu dance off. whoever wins, we all get SERVED! MC HAMMER is performing. that's right. MC Fuck Hammer. has he become kitch? damn he's done already? another depressing chapter in his life. and here come the Idiot twins, Jessica and Ashley Simpson. R and B, music "about soul" being presented by two souless giant Barbie dolls. i don't know any of these songs. apparently the producers didn't give these dimwits the envelope, not that it would do any good, since i'm willing to but neither one of them can read. seeing Jessica Alba, all i can think of is one thing; "Carla Guigno is hotter than you". i'm just playing, she's a hottie. here's Shaq. and now Shakira is performing, and i'm fighting the urge to masturbate....why? seriously, sex with this woman must be like some kind of beautiful exorcism. and good for her (and for me) that she's singing in Spanish. hey, this ain't half bad. ugh, Usher sends my boner into the ground.

and now a commercial break for the next 92-105 minutes.

we're back. Usher's going to say someting. there is some guy on stage who looks like MuMs in a rainbow-fro wig, clown make-up, and a referee shirt. MuMs kicks ass. this guy doesn't. Jennifer Lopez? people still care? seriously though, Shakira = instant hard on. god damn. Missy Elliot and Soft Drink win best dance video. "Thank God for giving me the talent" says Missy. i knew that scumbag was behind this. Eric Roberts! finally! R. Kelly is here, singing something about a closet and being sorry about it. you can piece that one together. i'll give you a hint....PISS. he's doing some kind of one-man show thing here. there is no toilet to be found, but that hasn't stopped him before. Urine. damn' he's still going. i told you a lack of a toilet wouldn't slow him down. Piss. Pee. you know, usually diarrhea comes out of your ass, not your mouth, but PEEING ON GIRLS.

and now a commercial break for the next 112-138 minutes.

and we're back. Puff Marshmellow FLuff is talking about himself. i almost forgot about the whole "Vote or DIE" thing. it's the guy from Good Charlotte and his lady Hilary Duff (Jr. Miss Darby Crash). you know your punk rock credentials are shot to shit when there is more on-stage violence at your pop-tart girlfriend's gig then your own. the Killers are playing. this song isn't too bad i guess...uh oh, the singer's voice is rejecting him. and it's the star of PCU Jeremy Piven w/ Lil Kim. she's going to jail apparently. Best Rap Video. hmm..i thought that song was a sex-chat ad. Looduh takes it. more Beavis and Butthead. so is this show coming back or something?

and now a commercial break for the next 146-172 minutes.

and we're back. P.I.Dumard is namedropping now. another "surpirse". oh damn, NOTORIOUS BIG AIN'T DEAD. P.Daddy Didaddy faked Biggie's death. it was all a big scam and now he's back for revenge! how will Duff Paddy escape the ever Tenacious BIG? not really, just more exploitation on the part of Diddy P. here's the resident king of worn out welcomes Johnny Knoxville with Common. MTV2 award. MTV2, slightly more music, but not much. the Bravery? the only "Honest Mistake" is your popularity. BAH ZING. ugh, Fallout Boy wins this one. anyone who thinks My Chemical Romance is the best band on earth should be punished, not rewarded.

and now a commercial break for the next 198-204 minutes.

we're back with Sir Fat of Joe. there is this Latin guy howling what i can only assume is a soccer play-by-play. so we've got fake punk, fake hip hop, and now fake reggae. now it's Daddy Yankee, a legendary latin rapper who i have never heard of, because when it comes to latin hip-hop i know less than Courtney Love knows about NOT HAVING PEOPLE KILLED. best hip-hop video. how is this different from best rap video? rap isn't even techinally a music form, it's a vocal style. hip-hop is the music that people rap over. dumb ass. Missy Elliot and Royal Crown Cola get another one. Poo Daddy is talking in shout outs again. here's Pharell of N.E.R.D. whom i have nothing against. musical risks? who could he be spekaing about? ah of course, Coldplay. when i think of the dangerous experimental rebel yell that is rock and roll, i think Coldplay. if you're going to talk about a band being "inventive", try picking out a band that doesn't rip off and water down Radiohead into the musical equivalent of orange drink. and if you're going to praise a Radiohead knock off, praise Muse. at least Muse fucking jams, as Bill Hicks would put it. that was the worst dentist apointment ever.

and now a commercial break for the next 222-275 minutes.

and we're back. damn, Another Bad Creation sure had grown up. wait that's B5. great, here's Ricky Martin and Joss Stone. Ricky has a faux-hawk. that's something a fucking Ricky would do, that fucking Ricky. best pop video. Ashlee Simpson, Lindsey Lohan, Gwen Stefani, Kelly Clarkson...damn, that's a whole lot of stupid. Clarkson wins. in all honesty she seems like sweet kid. she's about as exciting as a Coldplay concert, but whatever. and here is Kayne West and Jamie Fox. i still don't know who Kayne West is. i wonder who this person is. Kayne who? dude, is he sampling "Hobo Humpin' Slobo Babe" by Whale? probably not. either way my heart is pounding like a kettle drum.

and now a commercial break for the next 291-312 minutes.

kcab er'ew. here's Snoopy Dizzle. hey it's Dane Cook. someone whose reasonobly charismatic and half-way entertaining. there must be some mistake. he should have hosted. "you see a guy in a Superman shirt, shoot him in the chest and say "I Guess Not. wear a shirt that says "I Bleed If You Shoot Me in the Chest" next time". nice. Best New Artist. Killers. the Game. John legend. Pepsi Twist. My Chemical Romance. that's it. this is the best we can do. wow. Killers get it. more Didds Pidds fashion crap. here's one of TV's Desperate Houswives, Eva Longoria. Desperate. Housewife. 25 year old millionaire. god damn you. and here is the incomprable... well she used to be, now she's the unlistenable... Mariah Carrey. well at least she's not a crack head, unlike some other diva from the 90s. hey on the Justice League they meet their future selves tonight. awesome. you know, i'd still like to come on her face. and more Beavis and Butthead stuff. "Vote, even if you're stupid and don't know anything." Beavis sounds a little off. maybe he doesn't want to do this anymore.

and now a commercial break for the next 546-610 minutes.

back. here's Lil Huwhat? and the unfairly hot Paulino Rubio. not quite Shakira, but jizz-tastic all the same. Breakthrough Video. U2's "Vertigo". Gorillaz. Sarah Machloihghin (didn't know she had an album out). Eminmen for his scathing (and by "scathing" i mean "transparent and opportunistic") critique on President Dubya W. Double-U entitled "Mosh". Missy Elliot featuring Orange Slice. they gave it to the cartoon characters. ooooh-kay. it's the broad and the guy who yells from the Black Eyed Peas, introducing Fitty Sen. i've completely checked out at this point. i'm just a moving cadaver. every other word is getting bleeped out now. this nonsense should be over soon.

and now a commercial break for the next 973-2987 minutes.

abd hopefully we're at the end here. this has been like 120 Days of Sodom, only painful and distrubing. more shout outs from Pidds. another suprise. My Chemical Romance. that is a suprise. i mean i'm pretty sure they announced MCR was playing, but who cares at this point. part of me is dead, so why not gut the rest. who'd thought Billy Corgan's daughter would be such a moody cunt? like father like demon spawn i guess. some bitch just staged dived to My Chemical Romance. if stage diving wasn't dead before, it is now. oh good, they're done. here's Lil Bow Wow and Paris Hilton. the New Generation. we're doomed. oh great they're talking about their jewelery. Viewer's Poison Award. same old garbage. ok for real, totally seriously, Shakira ist boner. and the last band on earth got another one. that's right, Green Day. can't wait till this shit is over. Kelly Clarkson is the grand finale? what, did Avril Lahveen cancel? jeezum crow.

and now one last 789856-987987678997798 minute commercial break.

back. Jamie Fox is out now to lay this pop culture dump truck to rest. here comes the not-so-Supremes, the not-quite-En Vouge, Destiny's Child. they're fighting back the rage they have for each other and the contempt they have for their peers, but they can't fool me. "if we can make it, anyone can". i love ironic comments that aren't supposed to be ironic comments. video of the year. whose this Kayne West? holy shit, did you here this Green Day stuff. man, totally under the radar shit. set your faces to "stunned". Green Day FINALLY GETS THEIR DUE. "Bring the Troops Home". you heard the millionaire on TV, people. and now the big finally, Kelly Clarkson. that's right. Kelly Clarkson. the comedy writes itself, and it still doesn't capture the humor of this. P-Diddy is wearing a shirt that says "God is the Greatest!" if he's repsonisble for even a fraction of the particpants this evening, than i Demand To Differ.

okay. i don't have patience for the post show. unless Melvins come out and play Bullhead in entirety, with King Buzzo wearing Courtney Love's mutilated vagina as a hat, then i'm done. finished. i'm a little bit dumber, a little bit more sexually frustrated, a little more amused and depressed by the state of things after tonight. we've heard the voive of generation, and it's saying not a god damn thing, and if it is saying anything it's half assed and heartless.

Welcome to the Human Race.


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