Thursday, September 01, 2005

Film Review;

Zodiac Killer

this is a monumental moment in my life. after all of the movies i have seen in my 22 years on this earth, i have found the WORST MOVIE EVER MADE. this movie is so bad that you haven't even seen it and it's the WORST MOVIE YOU'LL EVER SEE.

this completely inept unredeemable piece of shit was "directed" and "written" by german director Ulli Lommel, who also stars as an author who is asked to update his book about Zodiac after a "copycat" emerges to seemingly pick up where Zodiac left off over 30 years ago. the new bane of life calling himself Zodiac? an unremarkable young man working at an old age home who just can't stand to see the elderly mistreated. so of course he kills the people who mistreat the elderly. you might be asking yourself; "how is that anything like Zodiac at all?" i wish i could tell you. long (and i do mean LONG) story short, the author is revealed to be the REAL Zodiac, and he kills the imposter as per the rule of an underground council of black-hodded judges that apparently don't want the good name of the HORRIBLE MASS MURDERING MURDERER besmearched by this young man. there is also a sub plot involving the son of Peter Kürten, better known as "the Vampire of Dusseldorf" that makes little to no sense.

before the film begins it has this disclaimer; “Warning! The film you are about to see contains graphic and disturbing images. Because contrary to popular belief, being killed is neither fun, pretty, or romantic...” now that would be all well in good if the kill scenes in this film weren't completely and utterly stupid. extensive uses of chocolate syrup and cut-away shots are abound, as well as several scenes involving nerve gas i.e. dry ice in a canteen. there's one part in the film where the killer puts a gun to the back of someone's head and "blood" shoots up from HIS MOUTH. the most graphic scenes don't come from the imagination of the writer/director or the *ahem* skill of the special fx artist, but from real life crime scene photos that can be found over the internet, which i found to be in really poor taste and further proves that the director is totally crippled in the creative department.

the acting. it was'nt bad acting. it was NON-ACTING. the most acomplished actor was David Hess (Krug Stillo from Last House on the Left), though he was miscast, misused, and there only to lure in genre-nerds like myself.

the film looks absolutely terrible as well. like it was shot on a digital camera in one take over the course of a weekend. no atmosphere whatsoever. the score is bottom of the barrel bad. you'd think it was made by some bored high school students, but it was made by a man in his late 50s early 60s who has been dirceting for like 30 years.

i am in awe when films like Zodiac Killer a released in any sort of capacity, be it theatrical or direct to video/dvd or as a Sci-Fi Channel original movie. this movie makes every shitty late-night softcore porn thriller i've seen on HBO look like Martin Scorsesse in his prime. it makes me long for yet another Sci-Fi Channel low-rent crappy CGI-shark monster movie marathon. it made the Devil's Rejects look good. it is the worst movie i have ever seen. it fails on every possible level.

the secret society in this movie were right though; the stuff that happened in this movie were an insult to mass murderers everywhere. not to mention their victims and those who get some morbid kick out of researching all this stuff. this movie insults us all.



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