Friday, September 09, 2005

Randy Newman just sang a song he apparently wrote as he was watching TV this past week.


Shelter From the Storm: A Concert for the Gulf Coast.

And here is U2 to sing "One". it's good to see Bono martyring himself for once. ...cough.... Mary J. Blige is singing with them. and yes, Bono is wearing his orange goggles....FOR THE FLOOD VICTIMS! what's that you say, flood victims? "Ze Goggles Do Nah-Thing!" i thought so.

here's Morgan Freeman. this guy is everywhere. he's quoting William Faulker. that's okay by me. now here comes the begging. here's Alicia Keyes, out there for anyone who is "in pain or suffering". well, can't say she didn't warn us. she looks good though. some very large man has come out to sing or eat, maybe eat what he sings. some old lady is with them now. here's some preacher-esque telling us to give money to the victims of this natural disaster, or else their streets will be FLOODED! oh, right. it's like 4 songs at once, and no one is saying anything at all.

and the LAST BAND ON THE PLANET supplies a song they wrote about summer break ending being a total bummer for the soundtrack to, you know, THE END OF THE FUCKING WORLD. god damn. uh oh, Cameron Diaz is out for the hard sell. Neil Young classes up the place now. i like him, so i'm just gonna listen right now.

and i'm back. Chris Rock likes public transportation. you should to. the Foo Fighters are playing CCR's classic "Born on the Bayou". somewhere out there, a 22 year old boy who dresses like a 16 year old female Walls of Jericho fan is fevershly trying to explain the protein-stains on his size -12 Vice Massacre shirt. ok, that was a tad esoteric. my bad. it's just THIS DAMN FLOOD.

you know, instead of playing some half-ass songs, these millionaire rock stars and celebrities could just you know...GIVE THESE PEOPLE SOME MONEY. or some food? here's Jenifer Aniston, w/ Mazzy Star's "Into Dust" playing in the background. guhwah? and here is everyone's favorite dog-whistle-throated mental patient Maraih Carey. wow, she seems really upset. it must be real rough. you know, watching people on television lose their homes and everything they hold dear. haven't these flood victims taken Mariah Carey's feelings into consideration? i mean, when horrible winds and rain were baring down on them with ever increases fury, did they even take a second to think about how MARIAH MIGHT FEEL? "damn, if she sees us on television like this, she might get up on tv and express her sadness in song. wow we're selfish. poor Mariah Carey. our complete and utter desperation has made her weep." ugh.

here's Paul Simon. no Garfunkel? they got together for the ass-fuck grammies, but they can't get together to save the world? i mean, that's what they're doing right now, right? making the city heal through song? and if they fail, they can blame the little people for not giving them any money, because at least "they tried"? fuck. i may be going to hell after this is typed out. what level of hell do cynics get placed in? an eternal Coldplay concert?

Sela Ward is out. 89 years old but still insanely hot. she's out there wearing a sexy pink sweater. and here are the ENEMIES OF FREEDOM...The Commie Chicks. my god they're so outspoken! their subversive lyrical attack is undermining the rule of our beloved government! NINE ELEVEN.

Don Cheadle, the greatest actor who is black and not Denzel Washington is out now. i liked him in Boogie Nights. Sheryl Crow is playing now. you know, the other really hot older woman. Jack Black is saying "you need to give!" turn around and tell those rich bastards behind you that, you fat prick. oh dear god...ROD STEWART! you think the worst has happened, than "all aboard...get on board". why not rub it in, you dickish troll? Mandy Moore looks sad. STOP BUMMING HER OUT, FLOOD VICTIMS! god, have some feelings. here's Ray Romano. he totally just laughed at the camera.

Tom Waits' "I Wish I Was in New Orleans" is being played right now. can't think of a better way to wipe the foul stench of Rod Stewart out of my ears. uh oh, some technical difficuluteeees. and here's Kayne West. what's this guy's story? i've never seen him before in my life. he's asking for Jesus to help him. hasn't that clown done enough? Julia Roberts is talking. Darf Brooks is playing "Who'll Stop the Rain", ANOTHER CCR song. why not just get them back together and hear these songs the way they were meant to be heard rather than have some half-ass imitation? does Wal-Mart own these songs now? shit, do they own New Orleans now? sheesh.

Jack Nicholson is chatting about the blues and jazz. well now i feel like a jerk, cause i don't know whose playing right now. shame to, cause he's pretty good. bluesey piano song. i dig.


you can stop worrying now and flip to E! to watch Blossom; the E! True Hollywood Story. her brother's a drunk! her date gives her a black eye! a very special episode! BARNARD HUGHES RATING BOOST.


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