Tuesday, May 24, 2005

it's been greyer than the greyest grey who ever greyed for the last 4-5 days. it's the kind of weather that reinforces the fact that you were stripped-mined of a soul a long time ago. goth kids and angst-ridden Swedes love this kind of weather. they think it helps them be at one with darkness or some such shit. this kind of weather has spawned a lot of bad poetry and shithouse melodic metal over the years. maybe that's why i hate it. maybe because i'm miserable enough without the weather being complete ass-fuck-junk as well. i don't need a climate shift to hate you all. i don't need an overcast to hate myself. waking up everyday with this face, this brain, this body, and the rest of you is enough to make me want to start mainlining bleach.

i'm really not like this in person. i'm actually a reasonalby pleasant, easy going, polite young man. a little quiet, but i always try to be nice. that's not to say this is all an act, it's just i save all the bad stuff for the writing. i have tried writing nice stuff about being nice and so forth, but it never comes out right. it's not that i've never loved or have never been loved...it's just that one day all the love went to hell. it became obsessive, jealous, borderline bloodlusty psychotic. and then i found myself here, writing about all this bad stuff i wish didn't happen trying to turn it into bad stuff i wish did happen. i tried convincing myself that it is better to abstain from certain things in order to develop the person you are and wish to become, and maybe it is. maybe i do have the right idea.

maybe i'm just as boring and retarded as your average NYC Hipster. i dunno. this is dumb.