Saturday, October 08, 2005

The Warrior Returns To A Vodoo Curse!
WWF Magazine
July 1992

The return of the Ultimate Warrior at Wrestlemania VIII was as explosive as his previous career in the WWF. The Warrior rushed into the ring as Sid Justice and Papa Shango were assaulting Hulk Hgan at the end of his match with Justice. The timely intervention of the Warrior saved the Hulkster from a ferocious beating in what was his apparent last WWF match, but it provoked the wrath of Papa Shango, who has since sentenced the Warrior to doom.

"Ultimate Warrior," booms Shango, "you have interfered with Papa Shango, The high priest of voodoo. For that you will pay. You may have returned to the WWF, but now you are going to another land, one of pain and darkness."

Indeed, Papa Shango has put a voodoo curse on the Ultimate Warrior, one that clutches at his spirit and grasps at his soul. Still, although beset by evil, the Warrior is unafraid. "Papa Shango," rages the Warrior, "you say I interfered when you attacked Hulk Hogan. You are right. I did interfere to stop your foul work. And I would do it again. Yes, Papa Shango, the Ultimate Warrior did stand in your way. And he still does. If you want to blame me, go ahead. I am ready to meet and defeat you, Papa Shango, anytime, anywhere."

That the Ultimate Warrior and Papa Shango are headed for a massive confrontation is without doubt. That the meeting will be violent is also a certainty. What is uncertain is the Warrior. He has been away from the ring for a long time. Is he rusty? One answer to that question may lie in what happened at Wrestlemania VII. The Warrior did not look rusty there. He tore into Papa Shango like one of the voodoo man's own demon gods. In fact, the Ultimate Warrior looked faster and more agile than ever. As for his courage, it was there, blazing. And his battle fury was volcanic.

In fact, it could be that the Warrior will be even more of a force in the WWF than before. It is said that he has looked deep within himself and pondered his past and future. He has been the WWF Champion, defeating Hulk Hogan in a match many say was the most exhausting of any ever waged. The Warrior knows this and reportedly believes that he will again wear the gold. But first, he has to retrace his steps to WWF greatness.

The battle against Papa Shango should tell it all. The towering Shango is a mammoth of muscle, a vicious competitor who will stop at nothing to win. Then there is the fact of Papa Shango's voodoo, his dark powers and evil spells. The Warrior, typically, has thrust himself into the thick of a very dangerous situation. No tune up matches for him. For Shango's part, he too believes he should rule the WWF and knows that a conquest of the Warrior will propel him headlong toward his goal. So the Warrior should expect Shango to be more ruthless and dangerous than ever.

Apparently the Warrior knows this, at least from his words. "Papa Shango," says the Warrior, "I know that in you I face one of the most dangerous and overwhelming men ever to enter the ring. But that is the way of the Warrior. He does not battle with lesser men. There is no glory in that. Glory for the Warrior comes from facing and conquering the most formidable opponents he can find. You are one of those, and I will have my glory by humbling you. You will fall before me like Rome before Alaric the Visigoth, like Troy before the Agamemnon of Mycenae. The Ultimate Warrior will raise his banner in victory, and you will slink off into the shadows."

"Brave talk, fool," says Papa Shango to the Warrior. "You are a fool who lives in the past. Today is today, and Papa Shango is the wrestler of today. I am the man with the mystical powers, with the weapons of the dark gods. I have put their curse upon you, Ultimate Warrior. Your brain will turn to jelly. Your body will burn with unearthly fire. You will be my zombie. I have the power, and I am bigger, better and more dangerous. You may have jumped me at Wrestlemania VII, but I had other things on my mind, like punishing Hulk Hogan. Now only you are on my mind, Ultimate Warrior. And believe Papa Shango, Ultimate Warrior, you will crawl and beg for mercy. But you won't get it. That is a promise."

Heavy words from both men. They set the stage for a confrontation that could consume both. Sometimes WWF Magazine tries to predict who will triumph in a clash such as the one for which the Ultimate Warrior and Papa Shango are headed. But in this case, it would be a futile exercise. If the Warrior is as fit as he looks and his fury still unrestrained, and if Papa Shango is as intent upon destroying the Warrior as he says, these two titans will tear up the ring. Fans who are lucky enough to see this one will likely be shaken to the core. When the Ultimate Warrior and Papa Shango come face to face, the excitement will be white hot.

Friday, October 07, 2005

NP:Thorr's Hammer-Dommedagsnatt

- last night i ate what very well may be the greatest meal i've ever been blessed to injest...two hamburgers each topped off with 2 pieces of fried ham. i cummed silver bullets with every bite. i'm having them again tomorrow.

- i have to learn how to ask a girl out by Tuesday. an 80s style montage is sorely needed.

- i just sold 75 cds to Looney Tunes in West Babylon. they gave me 75 dollars. guess retirement will have to be put on hold. i'm just happy to be rid of these garbage albums.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

some random thoughts;

- if we want super-heroes to be a reality, we need to get Lemmy Killmeister and Joan Jett to fuck. the offspring they produce will be a being of unimaginable power, like Bill Brasky. the only womb strong enough to carry Lemmy Killmeister's seed is Joan Jett's, and Lemmy Killmeister is the only one of us man or woman enough to satisfy Joan Jett.

- Topher Grace as Venom in Spider-Man 3? one of the scariest looking characters in all of comics is going to be played by a guy named TOPHER. and supposedly the costume is going to be purple. why stop there? why not have one of those smart-asses from the O.C. as Carnage, his entire costume made out of raindow-wigs? i hear Fallout Boy wants to write the theme song. it's called "the Gayest Gay Since Gay Came to Gay Town".

- i don't care what Fitzgerald was "really saying" when he wrote Great Gatsby. rich people are stupid indecisive cunts. i get it. he's great and i'm not. i get that too. now please can we read some Faulkner?

- My Name is Earl and Everybody Hates Chris have joined Aressted Development in reafirming my faith in scripted televison.