Friday, July 21, 2006

NP:The Jesus and Mary Chain-Just Like Honey

you can get fucked up on all kinds of things. i've never been much of a drug user. my alcohol intake is infrequent. however, i feel like some kind of junkie. perhaps that's a pretensious, stupid thing to say...sort of like the "liberal" trust fund student who thinks reading Toni Morrison makes them "connect with the struggling black soul" or whatever. they, much like myself, are addicts. they're addicted to guilt. they're addicted to grief. i mainline the misery of the world and let it coagulate my already curdled blood, easing my restless veins only through temporary catharsis. Grief and Guilt were the gateway drugs to my current addictions, or maybe it's vice versa. namely music and writing. it's amazing...avenues where i could be a figurehead of dominance and i choose to wallow in pit of self-inflincted wound. i could write my way in and out of all kinds of exotic locations and beautiful women and happy endings, yet i choose to harp on high school crushes in extremis. i could win the hearts or slit the throats, yet still i choose to make myself come up short. maybe i wanna stay grounded? maybe i don't wanna be the hero or the villian, maybe i just wanna be the wanna be who wants to be be but is unaware how to be.

it's late and i smell like self-love.

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