Saturday, October 07, 2006

NP:Theme from Pippi Longstocking

so i have this joke.

a family walks into a talent agency. it's a father, a mother, and a daughter who is holding a cat. the father says to the talent agent "we've put together this act that you're going to love. it's going to make us all a lot of money". the talent agent says "alright, you got five minutes".

the family jumps right into it. the Benny Hill theme starts to play as the father violently shoves the mother into a wall, putting a vertical crack in the wall. the daughter, still holding the cat, than kicks the father as hard as she can in the testicles, causing the father to cough up thick, almost black phlegm. as the father lies curled up in a fetal position, choking on mucus and vomit and blood, the daughter flips the cat over, his stomach facing her. the daughter begins to rub the cat's crotch gently, than harder and quicker. the cat lets out these dense, heavy meows and scratches up the daughters arms and fingers with his claws. the daughter looks down at the cuts and lets out an orgasmic cry of "OH MY...GOD! YES!" and proceeds to plunge her head down into the cat's now erect cock. as she is sucking off the cat, he writhes and makes loud noises that sound like a dying rabbit. the cat scratches up her face. she comes up, her face all cut up and bleeding, with a mouthful of kitty-spunk dripping around the corners of her lips.

the father and the mother have both gotten up. they stand on opposite sides of the daughter, each of them grabbing an arm of hers. the daughters spits what’s left of the kitty-spunk into the mother's eyes. the mother releases her grip on the daughter and grabs her face, screaming "IT BURNS! YOU NASTY ABORTION YOU!" and running around the room. the father is still gripped tight on the daughter's arm, until she tosses the still aroused cat onto his face, his cock slipping past the father's mouth and tickling his throat. the cat wraps itself tight around the father's head, hugging it's face like the movie Alien. the daughter is laughing and fingering herself violently, until she sprays a torrent of piss and ejaculate onto the father, who is still trying to stop the cat from fucking his face. the daughter's knees buckle and she howls in horrible exstasy. and that's when the mother, still half-blind from cat-cum, grabs the daughter from behind and throws her up into the ceiling. the daughter hits one of the three rows of flourescent lights, knocking its case off and causing one of the long bulbs to loosen and fall to the ground with her.

as the daughter lies, bloody and dusted with splintered plastic, the mother rips the cat off the father's face and punts it out a nearby window. the mother and the father than starts violently licking each other's faces, collecting in their mouths all the blood and cum (respectively) from one another's person. the daughter has gotten up. she's holding what's left of a long florescent light bulb. she runs at the two of them, screaming like a Japanese cartoon. she smashes the florescent light bulb across her mother's eyes. the father and the daughter both point and laugh at the mother, who is clutching at her face and feverishly trying to rub the shards out from under her eyes. after they share the laugh, the father punches the daughter in the liver, causing her to keel over and vomit. as she is down on all four, the father rips his pants off and places the daughter's head between his legs, his cock and ball resting on the nape of her neck. he wraps his arms under her, lifts her up until his head is between her legs. he makes a motor-boat noise with his mouth on her vagina, which causes her yet again to cum really hard. as she screams "I'M GONNA CUM SO FUCKING HARD" he proceeds to powerbomb her into the floor. never loosening his grip, the father than lifts the daughter until her back is against his front. than he pile-drives her into the broken glass. as the father stands over her and flexes, the mother bashes what little bit is left of the florescent bulb into the back of the father's head. as he clutches the back of his head, the mother wraps her arms around his waist. she clutches on his cock and balls as a she suplecs him on top of the daughter, still quivering from neck-trauma and orgasms.

the mother turns around, facing the talent agent. she rips off her sweat-drenched t-shirt and starts pinching her nipples and licking her lips. she than raises her arms, and says in a booming, frighteningly operatic voice, "WHAT ABOUT ALL THE GOOD THINGS HITLER DID?!?!". she than does a backflip onto the daughter and father.

still piled on top of each other, the whole family looks up and says "Ta Da!", being sure to do jazz hands. the talent agent says "hmm..that's one helluva an act, kid. wadda call it?"

the father picks some hair out of his teeth and says;

"the Aristocrats!"