Thursday, January 11, 2007

NP:Saves the Day-Freakish

fuck that's lame.

first cold snap of the year. the depression comes with it. i'm finding though the older i get the more rational and realistic my depression has become. i don't want to kill myself out of some misdirected ass-backwards notion of "getting revenge", but more like "hmm, maybe it'll be better for everyone involved if i just ffffade away."

i mean yeah, people might be sad for a little while, but they'd move on. forget about it. there is the selfish idea of suicide as well as the idea that i would be relieving the people i care about of the burden of having to give a shit about a miserable ill-mattered no-future sack of owl pellets like myself. my parents could use the old "he could've been something" instead of the "he's doing nothing". i can't help but think that i am a fucking sham. an embarrassment to all those around me. a dirty little secret. a cult-object/roadside attraction at best.

i mean, my brother's band has played 2 shows, hasn't even recorded a demo, and they have major label interest. meanwhile my band has been busting the collective ass for almost 3 years and we're lucky to get 50 dollars for a show...55 if we sell a shirt. we have to give away shit just to get people to pay attention and it does nothing but feed into their arrogant cynicism. they've already got harems of doe-eyed indie-rock-muse girls fawning over them and we can't get 15 people to stick around and watch a twenty minute set.

i just graduated with a Bachelor's degree and i have to wait now on pins and needles to see if i can work in a fucking Barnes and Noble, wadding through an ocean of wannabe "edgy" orators like myself for the hope that some "edgy" indpendent publisher might make our nonsense into creedence for the rest of the shallow fuck-ups like ourselves. and as we are left to langour in our insecurity and doubt about how "valuable" our work is, starfucking hacks like James Frey, Augusten Burroughs, and Laura Albert are raking in the cash for their poorly written bullshit artistry.

guess that's why i'm listening to this shitty song right now. punishment for my anti-narcissim, which ironically is the same god damn thing as the issim it contradicts.

there really is something the fuck wrong with me.

fuck it. Raging Bull is on in 15 minutes.

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