Saturday, January 06, 2007

so this crate arrives at my house. it had all kinds of crazy lettering on it..they looked more like question marks made out of triangles or rubix cubes with assholes painted on them then any kind of letters i've ever seen.

anyways, i sign for the package, and the delivery guy leaves. the box than starts to shake and i hear a voice that sounds like Diamanda Galas falling down an elevator shaft while reciting latin prayers. it's coming from the box! i go to the tool shed and look for something to open the box and i find a chainsaw, and my eyes zoom in on it like "Evil Dead". i come running out to the front with this chainsaw, wearing a rainbow ski-mask (the same one i wear when i'm out stalking roller derby girls). apparently the sound of the chainsaw engine and my cougar-fart screams gave this woman more than enough terror-sweat to slip out of a crack in the crate.

she was a sight to behold...even with the splinters in her face. about 5 ft. 3, 89 lbs, black hair, face like Zoe Lund's funeral. she had tarantula-leg-dreads with sporadic death's head-shaped yellow spots , bone-color nail polish at the tips of fingers, a red-chainmail mini-skirt, pickle-green lipstick, knee-high leather boots with 6 inch pewter dragons at the knees, and a nose-ring in the shape of Robert Shaw getting eaten by a shark. she had no panties under the chainmail skirt..her vagina looked, as Bill Hicks would say; "like a whisp of cotton candy framing a paper cut". she had a snow globe which had a tiny figure of a naked Harvey Kietel crying. she threw it at me. all i remember after that was waking up with Bad Lt. covered in my rectal trauma.

i didn't so much as "sleep with her" as i did "get knocked unconscious with a snow-globe and raped with an action figure by a crust-chick/bush-woman hybrid".

and that woman was my FATHER.


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