Saturday, April 07, 2007

NP:Season to Risk-Mine Eyes

Rob Zombie's HALLOWEEN trailer.

this is just fucking sad shit. there really is no amount of piss-elegance that will make my anger anything more sophisticated than a "fuck you you stupid cunt".

it's pretty common knowledge that Robert Cummings never had an orginal thought in his hair-extension-toy-robots head. White Zombie, while enjoyable from the ages of 10-15, was little more than a juevinille pop-metal band; a product shat out to appeal to dorks who wanted desperately to be pornographic gore soaked metalheads but weren't quite yet ready for Cannibal Corpse and the Guinea Pig series. it was nothing new or exciting, just musical ideas bitten off from Danzig and the Cramps (Butthole Surfers and Ministry when Astro-Creep rolled around, right down to Zombie's look, which was lifted from Al Jourgenson's Psalm 69 heroin-thrash days) and imagery cribbed from "Big Daddy" Roth and Russ Meyer. they were of course a santized kiddie version of all those things; a saturday morning cartoon rendition of a drive-in double feature with a watered down Samhain providing the soundtrack (Marilyn Manson's first album had a similar aestetic. he has since attempted to take himself more seriously...with mixed results).

it's been 15 years of this. you can still hear "Thunder Kiss" or "More Human Than Human" in movie trailers today. typically in bonehead action movies or direct to video sequels to the Crow.. it's either that or Filter's "Hey Man Nice Shot". the only reason that White Zombie ever reached the heights of popularity that was otherwise unexplicable was because of BEAVIS AND FUCKING BUTTHEAD. so because a pair of imaginary teenagers thought a music video was cool uh huh huh huh we're now close to 15 years deep in Rob Zombie solo albums, comic books, action figures, and sub-standard slasher films that are only enjoyed by shitheads in baggy pants who think their collection of McFarlane Toys makes them deranged.

this is just too much though.

Halloween, the John Carpenter original, is brilliant excercise in minimalism. it has it all. atmosphere. mystery. a strong female lead. an enigmatic mightmare of a villain, and his pursuor who may be just as steeped in psychosis as the man he's after. the greatest thing about Halloween wasn't the murder or the mayhem or the mask, it was that you didn't know. was Micheal Meyers a demon? was Loomis just driven mad by his inabilty to break through his patient's icy venere, deducing that Michael is something otherworldly to cover for his own lack of understanding? was it the day or the house or some combination of the two that drove young Micheal to commit his defining act? what was he like before that night? what was Loomis like before? you imagination can run to places it often fears to tread.

(the following is based on this review of Zombie's script)

Rob Zombie's remake seems like it's going to try and answer questions that don't need answers. in this case, answers are doing the film a great diservice. the mystery is gone. the Michael Meyers of Zombie's film bears a greater resemblence to the antagonist of Silent Night Deadly Night than the proto-boogeyman that haunted John Carpenter's classic. in Zombie's, young Michael's "evil" is not souless, he's a victim of a rough upbringing. just another "tragic" fucked up kid; stripper mom, abusive father figure, masturbates to photos of animals he tortured, you know the typical boring slasher-film archetypes that have little to do with what the character of Michael Meyers is really about. that's Zombie's bread and butter though; stringy haired psycho-billies, one-dimesional go-go dancers, and other nonsenscial amalgams of uptown-hipster-fears of rural areas. it's more than boring...it's sooooooo EASY. i mean you couldn't be more unimaginative if you tried. i mean even that abysmal Leatherface Begins tried harder and had more going for it than this thing.

much like that film (and the 2003 remake that spawned it), the iconic villian goes from being an truly compelling character into being a "scary guy" pro-wrestler, a one-dimensional brute that requires no real insight or challenge for the audience or the film makers. the original Leatherface was an overgrown child who attacked his victims out of fear rather than malice. he cried and shrieked and chased the kids around because it seemed like he wanted them to go away. he wasn't going out of his way to torture these people, he was acting on instinct and fear. in the remakes, Leatherface was a picked on and laughed at and now he attacks young girls in lowrider jeans to quell his rage...or something. point is he's reduced to being a generic charmless slasher villain whose out to kill. the Meyers of Zombie's film seems to suffer a similar fate. the Meyers of John Carpenter's film is cold, precise, methodical, and ominous. almost the Bizzaro Leatherface. there seems to be a reason for all this, but only Meyers knows what that reason is. in Zombie's film, he's the Undertaker (or perhaps more appropriately, Kane) in dirty coveralls and a Bill Shatner mask (and you can SEE HIS EYES???? is that not half-retarded?), not mysterious or frightening, just "bad-ass and cool", an oversized mud-caked action figure with a pulse. this isn't evil, it's an Insane Clown Posse fan's ideal of evil. brutality with no real power or thought to back it up. it has no severity whatsoever, just empty kills and boobies. and that's okay if we're talking about Sleepaway Camp or Pieces or the aformentioned Silent Night Deadly Night. but this is mother fucking HALLOWEEN. widely agreed upon as being far and above your typical slasher fare. where as most of the slasher films are good popcorn guignol fun, this film holds the fuck up with such masterpieces as the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Night of the Living Dead, Psycho, the Last House on the Left, and Maniac (well...I think Maniac is a masterpiece anyway). Prom Night or My Bloody Valentine it ain't. it's a timeless classic rather than a dated (if entertaining) artifact of a dead scene. Rob Zombie's version looks to just be along the lines of all the "torture porn" horror that's been saturating the market for the last 3-4 years. hey, i liked Saw, Hostel, Wolf Creek, even the Hills Have Eyes remake had its moments, but these movies can't even hold a candle to the classics of the genre (or the Tartan Asia Extreme films they attempt to copy). they're forgettable. Hostel and Wolf Creek may have been brutal, but in no way do they stay with you the way that Last House or Audition (to get a little more contemporary) stay with you. the best films are the ones you carry with you for a week or more. American horror doesn't do that. it goes for cheap scares and quick kills. no real atmosphere or authenticity. they're just products...and they're extremely (and cynically) self aware that they are products. and that's all this HALLOWEEN remake is; a fucking toy line.

and the saddest part is there are loyal Zombie fans who will defend this fucking atrocity, even go as far as to say the original lacks the "balls" of Zombie's take. they're more than likely intellectually crippled obnoxious teenagers with zero attention span who gauge how good or "relevant" a horror movie is by how "bloody" and dirty and fast it is. kids today are STUPID PIECES OF TRASH WHO FREEBASE DRIED CUM. none of you even know or understand the films Zombie rips off, and you don't deserve to either. Halloween doesn't need music-video edits, red corn syrup, or weaksauce dime store psychology plot-points to be relevant. the Horror of today, remakes or otherwise, suffer from over-explanation and self indulgence. there is no tact...no restraint. that's okay sometimes i guess, but not when self-apointed "visonaries" like Zombie think that classic films like Halloween need the "modern touch". You'll realize in a few years when all these current horror films become dated jokes that you were misguided (at best) when rewarding these people with praise and profit. the films you so proudly call "the films of your generation" are tired forgettable shlock farted out of studios with the sole intention of getting 9 dollars out of every pseudo-disturbed 13 year old mallrat who believes senseless bloodletting, dimensionless mongoloids, and tits are an apt substitute for real suspense, intriguing menace, and genuine unease. you're incapable of finding something that's truly your own. you wanted a "Halloween for OUR GENERATION!@!@!!" and you fucking got it, and it sums all of you up perfectly. It's Myspace. It's Dane Cook. It's Fallout Boy. It's a Cherry Colored Cellphone with an I-Pod/DVD/Playstation built into it.

Rob Zombie remaking John Carpenter. why stop there? have Matthew Barney do a 16 hour 290 Million dollar update of Jorodowsky's the Holy Mountain, or have Slipknot remake Reign in Blood.

you all suck.

NP:Season to Risk-Don't Cry

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

You scored as Black Metalist. You love black metal the most, you like to study a lot about paganism, atheistsm and satanism, you are intelligent and know that devil worship is gay, you are also intelligent in making your own point of views especially in religion and politics.

Black Metalist

67%

Funeral Doom Metalist

62%

Death Metalist

60%

Heavy Metal/Old School

58%

Thrash Metalist

58%

Progressive Metalist

50%

Power Metalist

30%

Non-Metal

25%

Which metal genre do you love the most? (Prepare for a long quiz!!!)
created with QuizFarm.com